One of the stages of growth identified in Buddhism is overcoming attachment to the existence personal identity (or fear of loss of personality/personal consciousness). It's a big, scary thing, I think, to many people - although I, who am no longer Buddhist, actually question the way this presented: it can, nevertheless, be a useful exercise to work through one's fears, limitations (especially of perspective) and possibly undesirable attachments.
That topic, though, is not what I want to post about now. I'm just starting with the point that growth has a few things along the way that can be hard to work with.
The topic I want to post about is one such topic: genuine selflessness.
Many people in "western cultures" who start on a path of personal/spiritual growth come across the idea that being selfless is good, and being selfish is "bad".
Well, up to a point, I think there is merit in that notion: this world would be better off, in my opinion, if more people believed in abundance, and then shared their love, their generosity, their caring with more than just themselves or a select small group (that is best expressed by the "Pay It Forward" idea).
However, it can be a trap to be selfless for the wrong reason.
If you give to others in some way, but expect some sort of acknowledgment or reward, then I would question your motive to the extent that I challenge whether or not you are being truly generous. Are you trying to help others, or are you after a warm feeling for yourself?
Years ago, when I was Buddhist and vegetarian, I had a series of very good talk with a colleague who came originally from Thailand. In Thailand (well, at the time he was there, at any rate) it was a tradition for the eldest son to become a monk for a month when he turned 21. When my colleague turned 21, he didn't want to become a monk, but, eventually, he agreed on the basis that it would only be for three weeks. Well, he stayed for six months.
This former colleague explained that a certain amount of the "good karma" we get from doing something that is "right" is the inner glow we give ourselves, on some level, even if is something that is hidden well away. So ... getting warm strokes for doing good can be OK - and it is good for all people to appreciate the good things they get in life - which means there is nothing inherently bad about a certain amount of expectation for a thank you: the problem comes when the expectation of a thank you becomes more important than it should, or when one is unaware of one's own, possibly complex motivations for helping others.
I think one of the most complex areas for trying to sort out motivations is being a parent. I suspect too many choose to be a parent because of what is called "the selfish gene": an ingrained drive to pass on one's DNA. Others have children because they wish to keep their partner happy (raising a child is too challenging, too important to take it on for that reason, in my opinion). Some even appear to have kids so they can be looked after when they are old and grey, or to stop their parents nagging about grandkids ... (don't laugh at that lat one: I know someone who did exacty that.) Something I am looking at now is: are the parents who are being parents for selfish reasons the ones who keep expecting other people to adapt their lives to fit around their own kids, like the parents who expect single people to set their houses up to be kid safe? Hm. I'll consider that further - I WILL say, though, that people who have to think the issue through, like same gender couples, are FAR more likely to be genuinely loving, properly motivated parents than some heterosexual couples. (I also consider anyone who has more than two kids to be showing a dinstinct LACK of caring for their kids' futures, as population growth is one of the major environmental pressures this planet is suffering from - in fact, I consider it an environmental crime.)
Whatever the action is that is "helping or caring for others" is, are you doing this helping others, maybe almost frantically, to distract yourself from facing up to shortcomings within yourself? Are you doing this because you are addicted to the good feelings that come with praise? (My last incarnation went a long way to curing me of that problem, incidentally.) Are you doing this for reasons you don't know, or are you inflicting it on others?
If you are, I consider you are actually being selfISH with your selfLESSness.
So, if that is the case, what do you do?
Well, I would SUGGEST - and it is only a suggestion, as I don't know your circumstances, you do a little soul searching. Consider the following:
(1) is your "help" actually genuinely, objectively, helpful? If so, then you should initially continue with it - don't stop out of a knee jerk reaction to finding yourself in error. It may be best to continue giving the help, but be prepared to say, if challenged, "yes, I am doing this for a selfish reason".
(2) consider whether your needs can be better met in other ways, maybe seek some counselling or do some meditation on facing and accepting with equanimity your darker aspects: how do you get to be comfortable with yourself? What would you tell someone else in your shoes?
(3) is there a new, broader perspective that could help you? If so, how do you change yourself so that you can genuinely accept that perspective - without brainwashing yourself into a superficial belief that it is true? You may need to seek some life experiences, or you may need to withdraw from the world (whilst making sure you meet your responsibilities), or in some other way actually DO something to achieve this. (Watch for my coming blog on "the trouble with change: your other yous".)
This is the sort of trap those lacking in experience can fall into, whether it is young people lacking (perhaps) in life experience, or someone starting off on spiritual growth who is lacking experience with the subtleties of steps along the way. It may be useful to think of it as being akin to the topic of love in a relationship: at what stage does having your needs met make the love a hollow thing? How does one avoid being so giving and generous to one's loved partner that they become irresponsible, selfish and taking, and you become a puppet that eases into resentment? (On that, I consider people should do some research into polyamory: you may not be polyamorous, but your relationship will probably benefit from the things that polyamory teaches,, such as "communicate, communicate, communicate", and - possibly without being fully aware of this - being self aware. Not only have I wound up in a genuinely loving, mutually supportive relationship with a wonderful woman because of my being in the poly world, but I have grown and become more aware, more genuine and more self aware through just the contact with this set of communities.)
This situation may also change depending on your circumstances. When I was single, I would often not claim tax deductions for donations I had made. Now, I have a family: for their sake, I will make the donations, and then claim the deduction.
And on family, I am now going to end this post, and go spend some time with them :)
Love, light, hugs and blessings
Gnwmythr
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Tags: selfishness, selflessness, about me, attitudes, self knowledge, Buddhism, growth, personal characteristics, personal responsibility, purpose,
First published: Saturday 26th September, 2009
Last edited:Saturday 26th September, 2009
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