When I was a child in primary school, in the last millennium, my family socialised with families who, I have come to realise, were the families of my father’s colleagues.
In any case, friendships were formed - sometimes out of strange things like me being asked to dig a splinter out of the knee of the older son in that family. (I was often asked to do things like that - and, if Mum got sunburned, it was me who was asked to peel the itching flakes of sunburn off her back ... early signs of being a healer? Patience? Dunno - but I subsequently became so skilled at extracting some splinters that I could do so without needle or tweezers.)
The younger son used to pretend to be Elvis, and my sister and I had to be his adoring audience *eye roll* (which I have only recently found is often just raising one’s eyes up, not literally raising them and rolling them from side to side).
Anyhow, one day the older son told me a secret - nothing that was a “serious” issue, but it was of personal significance - and impacted me to the extent that I felt compelled to blurt it out.
Naturally, that breach of trust upset the older son, and I had a few instant realisations:
- being entrusted with something like an emotional sharing was a responsibility, and failing in that could cause harm to others - minor in that instance;
- accepting being entrusted with something like an emotional sharing meant taking on a burden, a tiny bit of wear and tear - a micro-trauma, in a sense - and thus, from my perspective now, the act of engaging with life could cause trauma without any abuse happening.
The problem of burdens beyond my years also cropped up a few times when I was a teenager in a sailing club in Queensland.
Yes, I was advanced beyond my years and often preferred the company of adults, but no, that didn’t mean I would work out when I was supposed to go along with something for the sake of encouraging younger kids when it was basically an injustice on me that no-one had bothered to discuss with me in advance. (This related to a protest by a much younger sailor who had failed to hold their course when I had given them right of way: I was right, and the younger child should have been taught about holding their course when told to do so and about closing courses.)
I also had a criminal try - when we were on the beach and about to head out to the race course - to get me to agree to divert off course to drop a parcel off in the ocean. The situation was serious enough when he tried to get heavy handed and make a few threats for me to grab the boat’s whisker pole (a smaller spinnaker pole) and force the criminal to leave me (and my crew - who was proficient at judo but conspicuously unhelpful) alone.
I think most people can guess what was probably in the parcel.
Later I found out the adults saw something was going on, but couldn’t be bothered to come down and help (despite me being physically small for my age) although they did subsequently drive the criminal off with threats - and I know at least one of the adults had strong connections with the police, so expect an eye was kept out for that person. However, going back to that day on the beach, when I found out they had seen something was happening and chose not to act, I gave the adult concerned a verbal telling off, and from his shame faced reaction, I think I got my point across.
What I was learning from that and many other interactions was that being “gifted” was a burden, not something to enjoy, and I quickly learned to add that to the list of characteristics to be hidden away. (The burden of expectation on others, such as my adoptive sister, was also grossly unfair.)
And every adult who prattles on about how being “gifted”is special is an utterly clueless, amathiac IPOC who was likely never bullied as a child, or who thought teachers’ praises meant more than they did (possibly to the extent of being a magical ward against playground abuse?).
And those who think there is never any need for lalochezia should click on the link above to find out why they are wrong ...
There are a few other incidents I wish to reflect on (I may do more of these types of posts, as I move into my “dodderage” ... đ ).
The first involves other children, but when I was a teenager. We were visiting relatives, and there was a large group of children which, unhappily, I was consigned to. A young couple decided to go off to a bedroom, and gradually the other kids snuck off down the hallway to listen to them - leaving me on my own in the lounge room.
When the parent of the biggest bunch came in and asked where the other kids were, I pointed down the hallway. When he found out what was going on, he was angry - including at me, as it turned out he thought I should have kept the other kids in line somehow.
How? I had no parental authority so couldn’t order them - in fact, I snapped at him you’re the parent, not me, which he was unhappy about but I could see the point had hit home.
He made a comment about disappointed with me and expecting more.
Well, as for disappointment, that is a minor emotion - devastation, or being upset, betrayed, or angry are all stronger emotions (actually, anger is an expression of something else, not a primary emotion), so if someone says their disappointed, for most of my life that has created an impression in me of something on the level of not getting tickets to an event that one was mildly hoping to attend.
And as for expecting more, if he had expected me to take on some sort of quasi-parental role, he should not only have told me, but the other kids - and made some clear and credible show of being prepared to back me up.
Parents like that clueless IPOC made me appreciate the parents I did have, as the clueless IPOC variety would have been a life-threatening nightmare around anything to do with gender non-conformity. (It is perhaps telling that none of them have stayed in touch with my adoptive sister or I over the years ... )
Next, on the issue of credibility: credible feedback - especially praise.
One of the major criticisms I have on engineering is the absence of praise - they will do what they consider is objective feedback, but that often results in doing good quality, advanced work being downgraded to “meets expectations”, which, over time, is abusive. (I even had some amathiac IPOCs claim I could not possibly not be getting praise - which was an offensive suggestion that I was lying, and was one of the MANY problems with that person.)
On the occasions I have asked for good feedback (in a range of situations), it has been provided at the patronising, pat-a-dog-on-head level and thus has been worsse than useless, as it has shown up the cluelessness of the person providing the pseudo-“feedback”.
Incidentally, to provide some feedback on this post, I am being far more forceful than normal to try top drive the point home about behaviours that too many adults show children that I know, from personal experience, is ineffective or harmful ... and I also know from personal experience that those adults I am aiming these comments at seem to need a brutal shock to snap them out of their ideologically comfortable fantasies.
And sometimes those positions are the result of their own emotional scarring/crippling from what they went through from parents who were equally emotionally scarred/crippled etc (back to the dawning of patriarchy).
A recent example of that is treatment of a cismale friend of mine in a regional area. Firstly, when he was unemployed years ago when the service provider sent him off to a men’s workshop, despite knowing that he wouldn’t be suited to that - which was a particular example of being socially conditioned into stereotypical gender roles, as he would have infinitely preferred a knitting group. Later, when he was being stalked by a violent cismale, I suspect local police dragged their heels for so long because their own emotionally scarring (aka “social conditioning”) was that violence was somehow acceptable or even “normal” for what they considered to be “male”.
I found some doctors were similarly emotionally scarred/socially conditioned/professionally trained to the point of almost being callous - such as the doctor, when I was in primary school who wanted to stitch a split knee without any local anaesthetic but eventually just used the simpler, less expensive approach of a better bandage.
I have had problems with quite a few other doctors over the years, problems such as “almost” being diagnosed as diabetic in my teen years - at a time when I was extremely physically active, an “almost” diagnosis that has led me to wonder just how much of my life I actually have been diabetic ... or the technician who thought I could have a valve problem from an ECG but decided not to mention it in the report, which has left me wondering about other issues such as trouble exerting arm strength above the level of my shoulders ... or the doctor who was dismissive of my multiple bruises - which I now know was likely a symptom of one issue associated with neurodivergence. (I have also wondered if the exhaustion I felt as a teenager when I was the club handicapper was an earlier indication of autism - in the form of autistic burnout.)
All of these problems make me appreciate the outstanding doctor I do have now.
I also know, through the outstanding example of my former partner, that some parents are capable of avoiding all the examples of bad parenting I mentioned above, and, in fact, of being excellent parents.
My final point is something that came up when I was talking with a friend over the weekend: the benefits I received from coming across Buddhism in my early teens.
I’m not Buddhist now - I am Pagan, but Paganism would not have given me the mental disciplines and perspectives that Buddhism did, so I am glad it was Buddhism I came across then, not Paganism (doubly so when I consider what Paganism was in the 70s).
PS - I wonder if Buddhism's non-attachment has helped me with aspects of neurodivergence?
Apart from meditation (and proper meditation - not the mindfulness appropriation cult), other mental disciplines, and increased self awareness, the benefit I was talking with my friend about was the perspective that was free of Western cultural norms - and that non-conventional perspective is what gave me strength to start believing in myself, to start resisting the expectations of being a sock puppet to society’s scripts - which helped me, without knowing, with my spirituality, my emotional development, my growth generally, and standing up for ethical behaviour.
I would still have issues to sort through, such as earning a living, seeking friends and partner(s), and non-conventional gender identity issues, but the vital separation of my core being from society’s social conditioning was crucial for having a survivable life.
PS - the following is also relevant to some of these points:
“What does the world have to learn from you?” https://youtube.com/shorts/OzI0qgDV-ok?si=OP4_uGdesYUNjD8r
and
“Walking away from marriage, children, and other stuff we're supposed to have” https://youtu.be/aWGZadtZHwo?si=qs-MYnNmPbSMAdr7 Well worth watching and giving some genuine consideration to
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