This post is going to be a bit shorter than most: what I want to say is that, in the overwhelming majority of cases I've experienced or witnessed, people claiming to be using "tough love" are actually just failing to handle a situation constructively owing to their inability to think of any other way to handle it. In, as a rough estimate, over 99% of cases, the "tough love" is no different to the former apprentice who bullies the new apprentice because they were bullied: a pattern of behaviour has been experienced, and because these people are so out of touch with their own soul, or their own higher forms of guidance, that they are doomed to repeat the pattern.
This is probably most obvious to many people when they see people repeating the parenting patterns of those people's parents (which means both the strengths and the problems get blindly repeated). It also happens very strongly in workplaces, and some people I have worked for have been, effectively, office psychopaths (look that up on the Internet - there is some quite specific information available now on it; try http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopath or some of the links below) - and they are that, in part, because they were treated badly by other office psychopaths. I've also seen this sort of "tough love" attitude in managers who lack management or emotional competence or a touch of imagination/creativity.
The tragedy about this is that we are NOT automatons: we do NOT have to repeat the mistakes of our forebears, or those we have experienced personally. We have the capacity to rise above issues - we may need help, but we can use our minds to at least acknowledge that something is not ideal, and therefore should be changed. This attitude has been a major driving force in my life: I dislike dragging myself down to (some) others' level, and repeating their mistakes is one such way I can make that mistake.
I will be writing a post about control in the near future: if you believe in this "tough love" rubbish, I suggest VERY strongly that you read it.
The other characteristic I mentioned in the heading is inconsistency. Now, I am very pleased that I am somewhat changeable, and felt quite complimented when a friend mentioned I always seemed to have a surprise up my sleeves (that attitude can be helpful when other people are trying to manipulate you into a corner: you can change the whole ground rules, and take the discussion to a higher plane :) ), HOWEVER ... there are principles I stick to, things like sticking to human rights and standards of decency no matter what. Sports people (and supporters) who think it is acceptable to indulge in racist or other abusive sledging in or near a sporting arena - or that that can do so, and still claim not be racist, or claim that they are "good" people - are totally, completely and utterly WRONG. People who sacrifice human rights for economic gain (especially in the name of national economics) or political expediency (which the Australian Democrats used to do when pressure was put on an issue which had gay rights linked to it) are also behaving in a way that is just as unacceptable. Another example would be people supporting human rights or spirituality in one context, but not in another: for instance, not working in accordance with their spiritual beliefs (if those are constructive!), or allowing things like personal conflicts to be an excuse for overriding a commitment to human rights.
There are some universal principles which I consider people should adhere to: universal love (in a dispassionate, i.e., not romantic, sense) is one. Acceptance of karma and conducting oneself in accordance with that is another (I make exceptions for the very, very few extremist and mostly irrelevant cases that get thrown up, such as the masochist, which have nothing whatsoever to do with life as most people experience it). Those principles should not be ditched for simple, personal (or larger) expediency.
Love, light, hugs and blessings
Gnwmythr
* links relating to "office psychopaths":
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2005/08/26/1124563022416.html
http://www.abc.net.au/catalyst/stories/s1360571.htm
http://www.softpanorama.org/Social/Toxic_managers/office_stockholm_syndrome.shtml
etc
This post's photo was taken at the Werribee Open Range zoo.
Tags: personal characteristics, love
First published: Thursday 4th October, 2007
Last edited: Saturday 26th June, 2010 (fixed typo)
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