In the 90s, I fell in love with someone who - naturally - I thought was quite wonderful. In her case, she was a talented pianist, which gave her considerable forearm, wrist and hand strength, and that made her a marvel at carrying the Porta Potti off the boat I was living on and up to the marina emptying point ...
More seriously, she had a lot of caring attributes, and we clicked in many ways - including a shared love of animals (she had a deaf cat, which was quite interesting), and an interest in sailing.
We also shared a sense of humour, and she, for instance, one evening waved the empty Porta Potti she was carrying at friends of ours in a restaurant at the marina as if it were a flag.
At one stage she had a chance to take a holiday to central Queensland (the Cumberland Islands ... more generally referred to as the Whitsundays, after the name Cook gave to the strait - and known under different names to the skilled seagoing Ngaro people) and spend some time on a hired sailing yacht, thanks to the generosity of some friends of hers, and I encouraged her to take that opportunity.
We chatted by phone regularly while she was up there - mobile phones were starting to spread, and had started become affordable and smaller and lighter than the initial bricks.
And she was clearly enjoying herself ... and started to behave slightly ... “off” towards the end of the trip - different, not as close.
I wondered ... could she be involved with someone else?
Yes.
Yes, she was.
So ...
Was I hurt?
Yes.
Did I need to grieve?
Yes.
Were my real and valid relationship needs no longer being met?
Yes.
Was any of that reason to lessen her joy in her new life?
No.
In fact, I considered that I could not claim to love her and at the same time also do anything to try to re-establish our previous levels of closeness - she and her new partner were very clearly well suited to each other, very clearly in love.
My pains were my emotions, for me to deal with - not to express in lashing out at someone I loved, or, if I did lash out, only claim to love.
So, I wished them well, and drew back a little to deal with my pain.
We stayed in contact for a while, and I shared her journey into things like becoming a step mother for a while, but I started to sense that this had become a bit of an obligation - she was doing so out of ... guilt.
Was there still some caring for me in her?
Yes - and there clearly always had been.
But now it was time for me to let go - to let her move on with her new life in Queensland with the fullest joy, including freedom from any unwarranted guilt.
Changes happen, the heart loves who it will, and c'est la vie.
So I quietly, gradually, without a fuss, eased my way out of her new life.
In due course I met someone who is much better for me, but even that is a distraction from the issue of dealing with my emotions - especially those associated with the mistake of placing too much value in what others think of us.
I am a member of several minority groups, so I know that some people will always - without any valid reason - think poorly of me.
That does NOT affect my worth as a person.
My worth as a person is based on things such as how much I care for others - even if it hurts, even if that means letting them go.
And letting go is something that all of us have to do in so many ways - from letting go of friendships that are no longer appropriate to our life, moving on from people who have become questionable in their belief systems, or even a parent letting a now adult child go free into the world, without any expectation or attempt to continue to mould or otherwise control them, other than responding to their requests for help in ways the now adult child considers appropriate.
Make no mistake: the pain is real, and needs to be managed, but a spiteful lashing out is not managing pain.
Far better to deal with emotions constructively - and the work of people like Karla McLaren can be quite helpful - which will leave you and others living a healthier life.
As a side note, something I have noticed is that some of my interactions have, in effect, been because I was needed (and I am phrasing this humorously) as a steeping stone - as a way for a person to meet someone else, or end a relationship, or even as a way for an adult child to break free of a controlling parent.
We all serve a range of roles in other people’s lives, just as they do in ours. It is all part of the rich, complex, interactive tapestry of life.
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Remember: we generally need to be more human being rather than human doing, to mind our Mӕgan, and to acknowledge that all misgendering is an act of active transphobia/transmisia that puts trans+ lives at risk & accept that all insistence on the use of “trans” as a descriptor comes with commensurate use of “cis” as a descriptor to prevent “othering”.Copyright © Kayleen White 2007-2024 NO AI
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