Showing posts with label aggression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aggression. Show all posts

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Post No. 530 - The Tara Dale Chronicles: A day on the school yard for Greg

I have published another of the stories of the Tara Dale Chronicles (which I first referred to using the phrase "Four Million Leaky Auras"), a series of short stories and books I'm working on (don't hold your breath for this - it's like everything in my life: proceeding at magisterially slow pace ... ). The story is built around rescue and clearing. If you'd like to have a look, it is at http://musingsofkayleen.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/the-tara-dale-chronicles-day-on-school.html.

Enjoy :)

If you can't be bothered heading over there, here's a copy ...
Author’s note: although I was bullied at school, I was never able to control or influence others this way. I never had the level of school yard support from teachers that Greg does in this story, but much of this is based on my experience – including the football incident. I’m glad that attempts are being made to address bullying in schools – and elsewhere – now, although those systems relying on the victim explaining how successful the bully was in intimidating, scaring or upsetting the victim are, in my view, flawed … maybe the adults behind that share the naiveté of Mr Parker …
The lead character in this story is one of the four main characters from the Tara Dale Chronicles, and story is intended to – in part – provide some of his ‘backstory’.
 ***
There was a girl, a teenager wheedling in her best sing song voice: “Oh, please? It’ll be just this time, I promise!”
Three houses away, a young man in his early twenties was loudly snarling “What are ya? A party pooper?”
The young boy, Greg, sighed to himself, and realised he would have to set limits to his search – the school boundaries. He firmly set his will to limit what he was – somehow - doing at that, and tried searching again for what the adult Greg would term ‘control’.
He didn’t know the word yet, or much about how this was all happening, but he did know the events earlier that had led him here.
It had started at the morning break. He’d headed out with the other kids from his class, but while they’d all run off to play with friends, he’d found a corner of the sheds which looked like it might be safe, and sat on the seats which were on the outside, underneath the overhanging roof, where he could see them.
Some of the other kids sitting nearby had stared at him, but he was in Grade Five now, so he’d been able to ignore them as just little kids, and they hadn’t had the nerve to say anything, just look over and then turn back to their friends to make snide remarks behind hands and laugh sideways at him. The others weren’t little, though, they were in Grade Six.
Four of them, one bouncing a footy, which left Greg wondering if it was going to be thrown into his head as had happened the previous year. He’d tried to identify the kid who had done it, but his nerve had run out after they’d checked Grade Five, and the bully was probably with his other classmates from that Grade Six being bullied in high school.
But it hadn’t been anything physical, this time, not at first anyway: it had been names.
“Looks half black, doesn’t it?”
“Curly hair like that would make a good mop.”
“What are ya, blind? It’s hair isn’t curly, but it’d make a good wig for a girl.”
Greg’s heritage was a mixture of indigenous, Afghan, German and Scottish, all blended from around South Australia’s Barossa Valley. In his adult life, with his dark hair and swarthy skin, he would be described as a blue eyed homage to the young Omar Sharif. As a child, he would be an easy target for the mostly white kids in his pre-(officially) multicultural Australia, he and the kids who looked European, and a few white kids who seemed different.
He mustered his courage –without taking a deep breath, as that, in his experience, would be enough to set off an attack, and stood up to move away. That, and silence, was the best his teachers and parents could come up with, the days of anti-bullying strategies being decades away in the future. It was pretty much useless.
The No. 2 of the group – it was easy to pick the bosses, often the biggest cowards, and the toadying servants who had their own hierarchy, and often did the physical work – grabbed Greg by the coat and pushed him up against the side of the timber shed.
Greg was torn. He wasn’t hurt – he’d kept his head forward so it didn’t hit the side of the shed, and the bully didn’t have hold of any skin, but he was afraid of getting in trouble if he fought back or defended himself, and that, and fear of not being able to stop if he started and all the bullying drove him to go too far and get into trouble for hurting another kid, not fear of pain or desire to do what the adults all called ‘the right thing’ stopped him from fighting back.
He called on his inner strength, lifted an arm across his body, and leaning into the arm, pushed across his body and swept the arms holding him off, and wedged his way forcefully out of the bullies. He didn’t see the look of surprise on No. 2 Tormentor’s face, but he did hear the laughter that followed him, laughter which No. 2 joined in to cover his embarrassment of not keeping the smaller kid locked up. Later he would brag that he’d really let him go, out of pity, you know.
But then, in the school yard, Greg was walking purposefully away, when he was called by a teacher.
“Greg!”
He turned reluctantly. At least it was Mr Parker, the best teacher in the school.
“Are you alright, Greg?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You sure? It looked like those boys were giving you a hard time.”
A hard time? You bloody idiot, sir, I was physically assaulted and threatened.
He thought that, but aloud, despairing of the blindness, naiveté and downright ideological stupidity of adults, only said “I’m OK.”
Mr Parker nodded thoughtfully, and asked “Would you like me to have a talk to them?”
“Not really, sir. It wouldn’t change anything, and they’ll just pick on me more if you do.”
“Alright, then. But I’m going to have to let them know I saw something, and make sure they know that sort of behaviour is not on.”
Greg shrugged his shoulders, and, as Mr Parker strolled off, apparently aimlessly, walked to one of the few trees in the school yard, and turned to place his back against it while he watched the bullies and Mr Parker.
Greg had to admit that Mr Parker handled his arrival masterfully. He’d simply meandered around in a few directions until the group had smirked to themselves and appeared to have decided that they’d got away with it. Then, within moments, he was at their side, talking to them. Clearly Mr Parker was saying something, and Greg could see one of the bullies look sourly in his direction. After a few minutes, there was some uneasy laughter, and the group appeared ready to break up.
Greg felt anger and hate. He’d get picked on more for sure.
You idiot, Mr Parker! They’re playing with you. Can’t you see the looks at me? They’re going to get even with me for snitching!
And then Mr Parker suddenly swung the leader around, and held the boy off balance by one arm. He stooped to look directly in the boy’s eyes, a frightening glare on his face and a snarl in his distant voice. He shook the boy, who now looked terrified.
Good! thought Greg. Find out what it’s really like to be on the receiving end.
He noticed a group of girls standing nearby. They were universally loathed as up themselves snobs who put on airs and thought themselves too good looking for the school. Greg knew that at least one of them was terrified of her poor performance at school and used this as a cover for her fears. Right now, he couldn’t care less.
Hey, there’s someone weak there? Why don’t you pick on them for once?
And they did. They moved closer to the boys, and clearly had started mouthing off in their supercilious, presumptuous, arrogant manner.
Mr Parker was looking shocked.
Greg saw the retreating boys were passing a group of small kids who were playing marbles. One of them, in future decades, would be diagnosed as having ADHD: now, he was just called trouble.
Wouldn’t it be good if he threw a marble at one of the other kids?
Suddenly, that happened.
Greg was horrified.
Shit! I’m doing what they did!
He didn’t have the words to explain it, but in effect what he did was relinquish the control he had claimed over these people.
Mr Parker snapped at the boy who’d thrown the marble, who snarled up at him, and said something to the snarky girls, who tried to back chat him and were evidently told to button it.
Greg slowly sank until he was crouched at the base of the tree.
What had just happened? How did that happen? What’s wrong with me?
He looked at the carnage that he’d just created. The bullies were now looking at him with fear in their eyes. Greg didn’t know that the fear was partly of fathers who would accuse them of being weak and unmanly.
The group of girls was clearly agitated, and marble boy was standing rigid and ready to explode.
Oh shit. I did that.
He didn’t know where it came from until many years later, but come it did – a thought, a thought that, maybe … just maybe … if he had used this ability to cause harm, he could use to do good.
He looked at the bullies, a couple of whom were shivering, despite their coats. He … somehow felt out towards them, and became aware that most of them feared their fathers.
Say it. Say you don’t know what to do about your Dads.
He watched as the group slowly became less tense.
Greg felt relief, and thought Good.
He looked at marble boy next, and felt that awareness tell him that what was really upsetting the boy was that he didn’t know where his marble had gone. Greg became aware where it was.
He thought to the small boy It’s there. You can go get it, your friends won’t mind if you go around the circle so you don’t risk standing on their fingers or moving their marbles.
The boy looked directly at Greg, smiled and ran around the circle scratched in the dirt towards his marble.
Greg looked at the girls, obviously agitated. He could see Mary, the girl he knew was scared of doing badly.
Change the topic, Mary. Change it to what really gets you – worry about school marks.
Again, he could see the group change, with their former leader looking at Mary, and the group spreading to be more uniform, rather than clustered around their leader.
And now, Mr Parker. He could see the teacher standing, stunned, an island in the dusty schoolyard covered with noisy, running kids, except for a small kid who, unnoticed, had grabbed the teacher’s hand.
Greg felt that same awareness tell him that he would have to go talk to Mr Parker, and thank him for getting the message through so strongly, and that he didn’t think anything further would come of it or be needed. He’d have to make the violence a small thing, almost like pretending it didn’t happen.
He’d also need to hurry, as the bell to end school recess was going to ring shortly.
As he trotted over to Mr Parker he thought that he’d have to see what this … this … gift could do at lunch break.

Copyright © Kayleen White, 2014 (where this date is different to the year of publication, it is because I did the post some time ago and then used the scheduling feature to delay publication) I take these photographs and undertake these writings – and the sharing of them – for the sake of my self expression. I am under no particular illusions as to their literary or artistic merit, and ask only that any readers do not have any undue expectations. If you consider me wrong, then publish me – with full credit and due financial recompense, of course :)

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Post No. 244 - But they must be better than me ... they speak so well!

One of the problems I have had at times through my life is thinking other people were better, in some way, than me - when they weren't. This is often tied up with verbal skills, or "sounding smart" - when I went to Uni, being young, naive and - let's face it - somewhat stupid (owing to a lack of life experience :) ), I used to think the older students sounded suave, sophisticated, and intelligent. Basically, however, they were intellectually arrogant - or, as I would tend to say colloquially, up themselves.

Unfortunately, it took me a little while to learn that. Now, I have no hesitation in telling graduates and engineering students that their degree is simply a Licence to START learning ...

This self put down has been a problem in other areas of my life as well - for instance, holding off on relationships before I transitioned, ostensibly because the other people were better than me. In the magical world, it has taken me some time to realise just how much I learned and developed from things like Lobsang Rampa's books, and being a student at ASPECTS,, and to realise that I should not hold back.

One of the problems I encounter when trying to not hold back, though, is occasionally a difference in ability with words: particularly in the magical/spiritual world, people can come out with pompous rubbish at times, but I may not have the words to fight them in any sort of useful way. I particularly find this when in discussions with Buddhists who have a Western ethnicity: the conversation is generally along the lines of which school you've been to, what mantra you use, etc, etc, etc - all very valuable in its own way, but when I ask people like this (which was the last last time I ran into someone like this, when helping to organise a queer spirituality conference in 2005) "How are you a different person for being a Buddhist?", they can't say.

This line of thought cropped up for me again today, when I was reading today's article about the kid in a school who snapped and fought back against a tormentor - the video has gone viral, but the article I am referring to is here. This in turn builds on an earlier article here. [4]

I have to say, today's article has got it all pretty right: I know violence is wrong, but I am so glad to see the kid stand up for himself and, in the course of doing so, actually quite probably teach the other kid a lesson [1]. Yes, he could have killed the attacker, yes there are better ways to handle this, BUT those better ways do NOT include:
  • telling a teacher (my experience of this from Grade 4 is that this can be quite terrifying - and one of the people quoted in the earlier article has the good sense to say this option does not have good results);
  • telling the bully how being the victim of the bully "makes" one feel (that is just reinforcing the bully's actions by showing that the desired result is happening);
  • turning and walking away (as today's article points out, that's an invitation to get king hit in the back of the neck).
Above all else, it often does NOT involve learning "verbal skills to deflect the bullying", which is a load of absolute rubbish spouted by some "expert". For Goddess' sake, verbal skills are not natural to everyone! For those people who can learn the verbal techniques, great! For those who cannot, FIND SOMETHING APPROPRIATE!!!! (It all reminds me a little of someone I know who was against competitive sport, but had to admit that her son flourished when he took up footy.) Also, verbal "skills" can simply be changing one form of aggression for another, a form that too often has its inherent violence denied by its advocates.

Today's article ends with two words of advice: "judo lessons". If that is what works, if that is what makes the kid concerned feel confident enough to deal with the bullying effectively, then great - so be it.

For someone like me, it's learning about spiritual and psychic matters: those techniques DO NOT NECESSARILY WORK FOR OTHERS.

One size does not fit all, and being able to verbally out-joust others does not make one right any more than being able to aggravate others or slam dunk or otherwise physically out-joust others.

One of the other key points here is, just as the occurrence of disasters is a test to see if others care enough to get involved, the spectators/witnesses around bullying also have a key part to play - they are the third leg of the bullying triangle I posted about once before. [2]

PS - I have been rather busy doing spirit rescue [3] work as a result of the terrible earthquake in Japan. Interestingly enough, I am also finding I am rescuing people from the earthquake in Christchurch and in Sichuan in 2008. I also find, by the way, that some people who are stuck in a cloud of denial (which is well described in Lobsang Rampa's book "Three Lives"), sometimes get jolted out of their cloud of denial or confusion when their body is discovered ... so my rescue work continues throughout the "search and recovery" phase. If I get time, I may post a ritual which others could try using. One thought which came to me today is that, if there is something in the ritual that you do not understand or know how to do, then - provided you have good enough protection set up - you could ask your positive Guides to do whatever it is that is meant to be done, and wait patiently. I did this in my early days in circle in the 80s at times - for instance, I once saw everyone pointing the palms of their hands towards someone who was upset, and did so and asked to do whatever it was they were doing - and found my hands getting warmer as healing started to flow ... (I then panicked and stopped, but that's another story :) ).

Love, light, hugs and blessings

Gnwmythr
(pronounced "new-MYTH-ear")

Notes:
  1. Learning cannot all be achieved by positive means: some negative experience is, unfortunately, necessary because of the lack of evolution of us lot living on this planet.
  2. I sometimes do some fiction writing (don't worry - I won't give up my day job :) ), and one story I have in mind will examine the similarities and differences between merging families and company taleovers and invading other countries ...
  3. See my previous posts, including here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here.
  4. More links: here, which talks about the challenges in having an effective anti-bullying policy, here, on a different bullying incident (where a father takes his bullying kids to the police, and others will be added as I find them :)
This post's photo is yet to be posted.

Tags: aggression, violence, school, children, learning styles, education, communication, personal characteristics,

First published: Thorsdagr, 17th March, 2011

Last edited: Sunday, 20th March, 2011

Friday, 19 November 2010

Post No. 173 - Materialism ... not?


In my experience, rich people seem to cop a fair bit of stick (criticism). In my view, much of that may well be justified - of the very few well off people I've met (and I have never met anyone - in this lifetime - who was a millionaire), some are very tight-fisted. Not all have been stingy, and some have actually been quite pleasant and reasonable people. There are, of course, also rich people like the philanthropist Elisabeth Murdoch.

It is the stinginess and materialism that I object to - NOT the fact that they are rich and I am not. My experience of many people is that the objection they have to rich people is it isn't themselves who are rich, it is someone else.

Keep in mind here that there has been research which found that, once you had enough money to meet your needs, having more money didn't necessarily make you more happy. So ... once you have enough to live reasonably comfortably, money doesn't buy you happiness. Conversely, it is vital NOT to be living in poverty in order to be happy!

The saying about money doesn't buy you happiness doesn't apply to those in poverty.

This attitude of - effectively - hatred towards the rich probably had an extreme in the stories told to me by a former work colleague who came from difficult circumstances in southern China [1]. There, if someone was involved in a car accident, people would not help them because of the anger they felt that someone else was rich enough to have a car. That sort of attitude is not good karmically, or from any other spiritual perspective.

Nevertheless, it is refreshing to come across rich people like Warren Buffett, who has taken a pledge to give away most of his fortune (mostly via Bill Gates' Foundation), and urged other rich people to do likewise.

When I started writing this, it was in response to some newspaper articles. The links may be dead, but here they are, for what (if anything) it is worth:

Interesting food for thought on an aspect of materialism.

Love, light, hugs and blessings

Gnwmythr

Notes:
  1. Once, when my friend's sister was crying with hunger, he tried to steal a chicken for her, was caught, and spent the day strung up in chains.

This post's photo is of my palatial "office" - note the 3/4 screen that I use, as a result of the screen being closed on a crystal some years ago :) The timber is so I can finish building a table (which I have been a bit slack about). I enjoy woodwork - one of the results of trying to sail competitively on a tight budget as a kid: the shelves you can see are my work. It's a fairly confined space, and my working tools are imperfect: nevertheless, I can get things done. I consider too many people make excuses that they cannot do stuff because situations or tools are imperfect. Well, learn to improvise and make do - MAKE it work with what you have!

Tags: aggression, anger, attitudes, China, ethics, materialism, personal characteristics, society, poverty,

First published: Saturday 20th November, 2010

Last edited: Saturday 20th November, 2010

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Post No. 099 - The Neanderthal Predation theory - some thoughts

There are two, maybe three, books I would like every human to read. They are:
(1) Richard Dawkins' book "The Selfish Gene", which I especially recommend before having children – more so if one is strongly driven to have children;
(2) Danny Vendramini’s “Them and Us” (pub. Kardoorair Press, Glebe, 2009, ISBN 9780908244775 ), to be read especially by all would be alpha males/queen bees, but I would also recommend this for teenagers, law makers/enforcers and parents; and
(3) maybe Desmond Morris’ book “The Naked Ape” pub. 1967, hardback: ISBN 0070431744; reprint: ISBN 0-385-33430-3).

Why? Because these books help show us some of the biological imperatives which are built into our physical essences, the self same physical imperatives that we no longer "have" to follow – imperatives that, in fact, are possibly physically, socially, emotionally, ecologically and spiritually harmful to follow.

In much the same spirit as the comment I’ve come across in dietary books and articles that we have “stone age biologies in a modern world”, hence giving us urges to eat foods such as fats which once had survival value but in today’s largely sedentary (Western) world are dangerous, these books, whether right or wrong, urge us to examine urges and assumptions that we take as fundamental, basic and “given”.

That “given” is in the sense of “of course everyone marries and has children”, or “of course all boys fight”, or “of course children get bullied”, or “of course everyone is Christian”, or “of course all women belong at home” – and continue inserting any prejudice/social more you wish to. This form of “given” is a form of enforcing conformance – which can be done through a wide range of methods, including humour (see the paper "Masculinity and the culture of engineering" by Dr Sue Lewis and others [the closest I can find to a link for this is http://digital.library.adelaide.edu.au/dspace/handle/2440/764; the paper came, I think, out of work by Swinburne University of Technology's National Centre for Women, subsequently renamed the National Centre for Gender and Cultural Diversity, which I cannot find a website for), socialisation (a lot of the 70s “consciousness raising” and much feminist literature since is useful at exposing this type of influence – although some has significant flaws such as transphobia or lack of awareness of the soul), or various forms of overt and covert violence.

The issue of violence – particularly covert forms (i.e., subtle and not so subtle threats and attempted intimidation) for controlling others – is a personal button that has been pushed by reading Danny Vendramini’s intriguing book, and I'm going to digress here to explore that a little.

Now, a lot of the horrors I’ve been subjected to by others in this lifetime has been about them trying to establish control over me:
(a) beginning with the bullying I had from would be alpha males and would be queen bees at school; through the
(b) faux parental attitudes of an extraordinarily bigoted and small minded former boss (e.g., he claimed that only 2% of the population were same sex attracted, which was made in the context of a conversation where the estimate that 10% of the people with HIV/AIDS were gay [in line with the 10% generally considered gay] and hence the problem was predominantly a gay problem: 90% of people with HIV/AIDS are hetero, but that was somehow immaterial to this bigot [who I actually suspect – particularly from his reaction to the transition of a transgender person – was a deeply suppressed homosexual); and the
(c) bullshit reactions to women being lesbians along the lines of “what a shame” (and worse: I’ve just been into a country town near where we are holidaying as I start this article, and have received some very frosty stares to my visible tattoos [no doubt a transgression against the rules of being female according to those people] and – possibly – my labrys tattoo [i.e., the “lesbian symbol” and my atypical [compared to many women] deep voice, which is quite mild); to
(d) the bullying and attempted intimidation I’ve had from the son and son-in-law of a former partner (which I will come back to later); and
(e) all the rest.

ALL of it (even the tailgating of other drivers - which is attempted intimidation) has, in one way or another, been about them trying to force me to be cowed into subservience – into toeing their line (conformity).

Well, most of it didn’t work. It has left me with residual scars (dents on my psyche's bumper bar, perhaps?) and issues to deal with , and I’m going to continue working through those in this post, to some extent, but I am still here, still being as true as I can to my own truest essence. They failed. They also ended the relationship I alluded to, but that led to some major improvements in my life anyway – and some useful lessons (which I am still working on intergrating into my being, so that if I ever find myself in a similar situation in a future lifetime, I will react differently).

It is in the context of lessons, particularly those around self knowledge, that I am writing this post. Keep in mind the story about the famous Greek philosopher (I forget whether it was Aristotles or Socrates) who is supposed to have had his head “read” by a phrenologist, who commented that the philosopher’s skull was of someone who was dull, stupid and slow mentally. The philosopher congratulated the phrenologist on being correct, and explained that he had worked very hard (and successfully) at overcoming the shortcomings he had from birth to become what he wanted to be. None of has to be blind adherents to our unconscious urges, biases and foibles. We can do personal growth work, counselling or we can plan other ways to overcome predicted tendencies if we wish to (and I include ALL astrological and other forms of divination in this: Cancerians DON’T have to be moody – we [I am a Cancerian sun sign] can overcome that, or channel it into a constructive expression, just as I decided at age ten to channel my anger into a constructive form – to use it [e.g. by using it to motivate me to write letters about injustices, or to be assertive], rather than allow it to use me). If I look at the history of warfare, we have gone from a situation where there were no rules (thousands of years ago non-combatants were too often slaughtered), whereas now, we have the (imperfectly adhered to) Geneva Convention and (also imperfect) monitoring of what is happening in combat - we even have (imperfect) attempts at controlling the weapons of mass destruction which have been created in recent centuries. [See Note 6]

In the case of “Them and Us”, Danny Vendramini has re-examined archaeological and other scientific evidence to develop a theory about the evolution of humans (homo sapiens sapiens). My first reaction to this, and that of others I know, was along the lines of “rubbish”, but I have now read the technical paper Vendramini wrote, and the populist book, and consider his theory plausible – and at least worth thinking about.

There are going to be some interesting debates about this concept over the next few years – but, irrespective of that, I consider it a useful way of approaching certain aspects of human behaviour, just as astrology can be a useful tool for approaching classification of personality (even if it is to say “no I don’t fit that description of me”).

To excessively shorten the theory so that it fits into this post, it goes something like this:
(i) ancient humans, a basically cautious (“timid”) hunter-gatherer species, moved into the region most of us now know as the Middle East (Vendramini uses the old term “Levant”) about 110,000 years ago;
(ii) Neanderthals moved into the Levant about 100,000 years ago;
(iii) Neanderthals were predominantly meat eaters, probably the apex predator in Europe from around 300,000 years ago, and, when current anthropomorphism is removed from our view of those times, were probably also cannibalistic (incidentally, one of the draft posts I have been slowly working on is how we tend to get anthropomorphic about the energies we call deities, which can be a problematic blinker);
(iv) one of the prey of Neanderthals in the Levantine included ancient humans (Vendramini writes something to the effect of “it’s all just meat – it’s nothing personal”), which – via 50,000 years of predation - is the cause of a known population bottleneck (i.e., decline of population to a small number – almost reaching extinction);
(v) through various evolutionary selection mechanisms, this small number of survivors adapted to the ever present threat from Neanderthals through means such as hyper-aggression and courage in young males (who were seen as sexually desirable), language, organisation, etc (see the book or the websites http://www.themandus.org/ and http://www.thesecondevolution.com/ for more – this post isn’t a substitute for reading either!);
(vi) the adaptations included:
- genetic coding (of “junk DNA”), via what Vendramini theorises are “Trauma Encoded Emotional Memories” (TEEMs), into seeing anything even vaguely resembling a Neanderthal as a threat (and hence fears of bogeymen in the night etc [Vendramini theorises that Neanderthals were more like “Big Foot” or the “Yeti” in appearance, and were evolved to hunt at night])
- increased athleticism and a more robust central nervous system, capable of surviving the shock and trauma of being hunted for millennia (which, Vendramini posits, is why humans can survive torture and other abuse, when other species may succumb to shock when captured from the wild)
- keeping women and children close to home and in monogamous relationships (Vendramini posits that the evolution of “romantic love” was an adaptation aimed at reduced the sexual assaults of Neanderthals on fertile females – along with other developments such as private sex, modesty, personal hygiene and even the missionary position [see Note 1]), which gradually changed the behaviour of women so that aggression and violence was expressed in different ways (anyone who doubts the existence of female violence needs to read the book “Queen Bees and Wannabees”; also, Vendramini provides some references [in his list of almost 800 references] on this topic which I intend to try to follow up);
(vii) the adaptations led to genocidal warfare between early humans and Neanderthals, with the aggression of young males leading to expansion of the early human race (for whom Vendramini revives the term “Cro-Magnon”), the extinction of Neanderthals and other hominid species (except in Africa, where there was possibly some interbreeding) and infanticide against any baby which triggered the TEEMs created by Neanderthal Predation, hence giving us as a species unusually limited genetic variability;
(viii) after the extinction of other hominid species, the hyper-aggression of young males became a problem for families wishing to rear children, which led to the development of agriculture, cities and law giving (in other words, “civilisation”) as a means of ensuring safety against packs of marauding young males (and at this time, those same formerly sexually desirable young males were no longer sexually desirable: caring, sensitive, supportive partners were [see Note 2]).

Phew – quite a step from recent views on Neanderthals, and a view that I feel strangely sad about (I liked the friendly version of the Neanderthals), but it does pose some possible answers to questions about evolution. (Mind you, the thoughts I had of the similarity between this sequence and those of the US creating problems for itself later by supporting people such as Hussein [against the Iranians] and Bin Laden [against the Russians in Afghanistan] and the rise and fall of hyper-aggression aren’t in that category :P )

It also has, if correct, some very significant information about what is hard wired into our bodies – things like xenophobia, sexism, aggression, violence (the information Vendramini includes on the history of warfare, especially amongst tribal societies, is staggering), and even the missionary position and why men stereotypically allegedly don’t ask for directions.

Of course, none of this is to say we have to be this way. We can choose to be otherwise, both as individuals, and as a society. It is in the latter area that I consider this theory, if correct, may have some powerful effects, with changes to attitudes towards child rearing (such as a long overdue reduction in tolerance of violence and aggression, including female violence and aggression - in fact, the most aggressive person by far I have met since the former relationship I will be writing about ended is a young female), justice (possibly less naive views of the responses to measures aimed at curbing violent/aggressive tendencies), and possibly even education (possibly less naive views of the existence of various forms of bigotry, and the need to take active action to address the cause of such prejudices, rather than piecemeal trying to address these after they have developed).

There are some (scientifically/intellectually) interesting (but not necessarily pleasant to recount) behaviours recounted in this book, such as the violence of primates (mainly apes and chimpanzees), including cowing females into subservience, and the ubiquity of anthropomorphism (which particularly caught my attention as I am planning a post on how this also gets applied to deities).

As far as the hyper-aggressive behaviour of young males goes, I have had some personal experience of that with the son and son-in-law of an ex-partner of mine.

To digress (and this is where I'll give more detail on some of the triggers I referred to earlier), their belligerence, aggression and criminality was a large part of what made the experience of being in that relationship that of being in an abusive relationship, and both prevented me from becoming active in politics (because of their tendency towards petty crime, which – combined with things like my being lesbian – would have made me too much of a target to have much of a realistic chance [and would have subjected them to unreasonable scrutiny]) and ultimately was the trigger for me leaving (I was expected to “toe their line” about law breaking once too many times). Examples of the behaviour, both major and minor, that I was subjected to include:
- as mentioned, being expected to shut up about criminal activities (which I largely refused to comply with, I am pleased to be able to say; the exception was when the younger daughter took the can for her stupid de facto, who chose to go driving and have an accident while drunk and under a suspended sentence: the choice I had next day when I was told what they had done was send the bastard to jail and watch the daughter, who I cared about, lose her home, or go along with it);
- being subjected to regular extreme drunkenness, including being expected to pussy foot round one of the males who became even more aggressive when drunk (my observation of this is that it is a far too common behaviour in Australian society);
- being grabbed by the throat as part of a “conversation”/"demonstration" about the finer points of strangling someone (really!);
- sadism on the part of one of the males, who admitted taking pleasure in trying to wind me up and also absolutely gloated about having threatened and intimidated someone at work into tears (I have to admit that I would actually like to see his karmic return with regard to that incident);
- violence including drunken a rampage up the street where one of these males, who used to make a big deal out of the “wrongness” of violence against women, assaulted (punched) a middle aged woman (he some months later also hit his partner, which was almost enough to cause my ex to turn against him; the rampage was supposed to be a demonstration, somehow, of how much he loved some children of his from a previous relationship who he wasn’t allowed to have access to) [see Note 3];
- having people (including a male) walk in on me while in the shower; and
- extreme disrespect towards me, the most upsetting of which was deliberately turning a photo of my family face down on the table.

Of course, throughout almost all of this I had a complete lack of support from my then partner (which is very different now, in my cuirrent relationship). My take on this initially was that my former partner was trying to maintain some harmony. Ultimately, it became clear she effectively valued supporting criminal and other problematic behaviour ahead of me, which was when I started planning my escape. The others valued their little family unit ahead of all other humans – hence the contempt for laws, which are (with some serious exceptions) about social order. About my only win was that they never indulged their drug habits at my house (I can’t call it a home).

At this point, I will remind you that Danny Vendramini's theory proposes a possible basis for xenophobia, which is effectively what this disdain towards anyone who wasn't family effectively was. They had a choice about following their xenophobic urges, whether through junk DNA coding or other, and chose to follow them.

The obvious question is: why stay in this nightmare? Out of some sort of rescue complex? Guilt, or a need to punish oneself? Or feeling this was all I could get?

OK, keeping in mind that:
- there were good times (particularly in the first few years, where I was actively supported in other areas of my life),
- that my partner’s gradually deteriorating health (she wound up on a disability pension) was also a motivator for me to stay,
- that I gradually wound up with financial problems (my ex’s health forced her to stop work when we had taken out loans to, in large part, help her kids) that prevented me leaving my ex, and
- that I belive passionately in sticking to my word (we had had a commitment ceremony - it was immaterial to me that she had broken her vows: I would rather die than break mine willingly),
... the latter feeling from the previous paragraph was actually my main, initial motivation.

I had been single most of my adult life, and genuinely felt I could not get a better relationship (and did not particularly want to go back o being single). Later, I stayed out of concern for that ex’s younger daughter, who wanted a better life for herself and her children (my ex’s older daughter had had enough good sense to establish a life for herself away from, to use the term they would, “all the dickheads” [even to the extent of trying sending her daughter to an expensive private school for a while, until she realised that wasn’t as good as she had hoped]) and the step-grandchildren (I am still working psychically to help her and them), and also the whole complex of other reasons that women stay in abusive relationships (such as things like the basic idea of feeling I have to be in relationship).

Now, I am slowly working through the healing I need to do, with the support of a wonderful, very aware, very spiritual, very capable, very different to my previous, partner.

Part of that healing process also includes a post I have been working on about my struggle to forgive these two males, which includes the need for validation and a valid – to me – feeling of control/power as opposed to the powerlessness that at least one of those bastards was deliberately seeking to create. This all gets more complicated when I try to interact with my ex's daughters or the grandkids and one or more of the males are still on the scene, but if I don’t forgive or come to terms with what they did to me, I risk tying myself to them through my hate, and failing to recognise any changes they may make – and there were some small signs of change for the better in one of them towards the end of my time there ...) Then again, it is possible for me to get to a stage where I am neutral towards those aggressors, but if they ever ask for my forgiveness, I have conditions they must satisfy before they receive it.

I know full well that there is almost no chance that my forgiveness would be sought, so any resolution may have to wait until my next life (I've recently starting accepting that I will be nowhere near completing the taks, especially karmic, that I have to complete in this life when I die, so will probably have to come back), but the situation is similar to one where my (now deceased) birth family grandparents, who were instrumental in my being adopted, asked me for my forgiveness: my answer was that the person they had most hurt was my birth mother, and for me to forgive them they would have to make their peace with her first. I had worked through my problems, and found myself at a point where I could not forgive because to do so was to allow an injustice to be continued.

In the same way, I feel that it would be wrong of me to blindly forgive the aggressive males I am writing about, as that way they would have no barrier to continuing to behave in the same fashion. If they prove to me that they have changed, then I'll forgive them - but I am aiming to get to a stage where I don't hate them. I know that sounds like I've set myself up a bit as ajudge and jury, but I still consider from time to time whether I should have child services step in as far as the children of one of them is concerned, and I will continue to work to psychically protect, heal and nurture (from a distance) the grandkids and ex's daughters, and do that AND seek to promote maturity and awareness on the part of both my ex and the aggressive males concerned [Note 7]. They came into my life for a purpose (well ,several, actually), and these continuing actions by myself are part of it. It will all change after we have drunk the Waters of Lethe for our next incarnations, but I will continue to do what I can now, and hope that I will belive in myself more next time round.

It is ironic that Vendramini’s book comments on violence by step parents, as:
A) my (adoptive) parents were wonderful, loving, supportive people who I am proud to call parents (which I also feel about my birth parents – I don’t feel a need to limit who I credit with being a parent to me: I also count several foster parents, and do not see ANY of them as being the lesser for the others);
B) although I am NOT taking on a step parental role in my current primary relationship (well, only relationship, actually – the poly in me is only potential, not realised at the moment), I spend quite a bit of time, energy and effort supporting my partner in her role as a parent;
C) all other step parents I personally know do not fit into the horror mould – in fact, if there is a “horror mould” to be applied, it is, in my experience, more likely to be the step kids :P *

Going back to the context of Danny Vendramini’s theory, my ex and her son and son-in-law are, in my opinion, prime examples of the vestiges of hyper-aggressive behaviour that once was valuable, and now is actually actively harmful.

So ... in a generic sense, what do you do about such people?

Well, if it is only themselves, and they are not impacting on others (which is almost impossible to achieve – remember the drunken rampage up the street I referred to?), nothing. If adults are involved, such as myself, you help those adults to make the decision to change their circumstances – I did eventually. (However, as I mentioned earlier, I have not forgiven those three, and the struggles I am having with finding a way from being a victim to being able to forgive will be the essence of another post.)

When children are involved, the situation changes. The ideal would be to:
I) counter the harm done at home through the school system (which is NOT just a case of providing encouragement and support: I consider our current education system too “soft” in that aspect, and that it needs to cover how to accept valid criticism, but valid challenges to destructive home values such as excessive loyalty to family [e.g., ahead of the law] need to be made, as well as creating an awareness of how to break cycles of destructive relationships);
II) give the next generation effective parenting skills; and
III) remove the children to constructive situations (which unfortunately, cannot be guaranteed with our current, chronically overloaded system – which, believe me, I have considered).

Lobbying for better education and child care systems is something I have been doing for many years, now – as well as doing whatever I can spiritually and psychically to bring that about.

When considering that (particularly a better education system), keep in mind that we no longer have to blindly obey biological imperatives. Our world is radically different: in fact, we need, as a species, to stop breeding enough children to grow the species' population; we need to stop reacting against threats no longer existent (as outlined so well by Danny Vendramini’s book); we need to – as a species - stop prancing about like spoilt little brats. By being aware, we can make conscious choices – not necessarily easy, emotionally pleasant/comfortable or easily implemented choices, but choices that promote our overall wellbeing individually, as a species and as a part of this wonderful planet.

Being aware of the (biological) drive to eat crap gives a basis to resist that urge when one should. Throughout history, being aware of the spiritual element of life has given basis for rejecting crap values (as one person at the recent Parliament of the World’s Religions said, “go beyond conformity”; note: I do not include religions aimed at enforcing conformity as a form of spirituality).

This theory gives a basis for examining our urges towards violence and aggression, in its various forms (and I include female violence in that). The theory may not be correct, but the self examination should be.

One change I have made as a result of reading this book is my position on the urge of young people, mainly – but NOT exclusively – male to “test themselves out” with risk taking and competitive/violent behaviour. In the past I have advocated society trying to find a relatively benign way to cater for this (for instance, provide tracks where they can take cars and do burn outs, drag racing etc – even to the extent of having ambulances present – so this isn’t done in suburban streets or other public roads where other lives ar put at risk and the safety and sense of security of other people is not threatened). I am now inclined towards a view that, maybe, as this is possibly vestigial destructive programming, maybe a better way of addressing this is to provide education and means of these people managing their primitive urges.

I’ve long advocated the ancient “classical” approach to education (albeit to all genders, not just male): aim to produce well rounded, evolved people, through both parenting and public education (whether delivered through public or private schools), people who respect and incorporate physical, emotional, mental and – if they wish – spiritual development and maintenance of those aspects into their lives. People who are not blindly naive, who are not so insecure that they are judgemental (or, at the very least, are aware of when they are, and take steps to prevent them acting to control/otherwise harm others as a result), who are not helpless, unaware slaves to their DNA and other coding. Maybe this needs to be extended, and I need to be less tolerant of the foibles of those portion (it is not all of them by a long shot!) of young people who want to be belligerent.

In any case, I consider there needs to be far less tolerance of violence and aggression amongst small children – boys and girls – and less automatic acceptance of violent toys and games, etc. One of my ex’s (not the problem one, another one before her) would take toy guns and swords off her children when someone tried to overrule her rules about her own children: I have always admired her for that, and I particularly admired my current partner at a recent family gathering when she called a young nephew on his punching the shoulder of a brother-in-law of mine – behaviour which usually gets accepted as “boys playing games”, an acceptance which is an active promotion of the hyper-aggression of Cro-Magnons that Danny Vendramini theorises evolved as a species response to Neanderthal Predation, a response which has been outmoded and dangerous for thousands of years.

Going back a little in this missive, I mentioned a qualifier when considering vestigial hyper-aggressives: “they are not impacting on others”.

As I wrote at the time, that is almost completely impossible. There are laws and police forces to deal (albeit imperfectly) with those who physically assault others, and a slow acceptance of violence having other forms (e.g., emotional abuse and financial abuse – which I consider was part of the relationship with the ex I have been referring to [ironically, though I was financially abused, I had the higher income], although society is being slow to accept verbal violence as the active form of violence that it is). I’ve written elsewhere in this blog on the psychic interactions of such people, and won’t complicate matters by repeating that them in this post. The one aspect I would like to cover a little further here is dealing with meeting hyper-aggressive people when one is a more spiritual person.

In an ideal world, theoretically that wouldn’t happen. However, this isn’t, and isn’t likely to be, an ideal world: it is a physically beautiful world, often, but it is a place created for us to grow, and there will always be challenges. In much the same way I consider it fundamentally wrong for us to try to insulate ourselves from the vagaries of nature [see Note 4], I think we should not forget where we came from, and what lessons we have learned in the past: we just need to be able to effectively pick and choose from them - and scientists are not necessarily the best arbiter of that: despite his theory, Danny Vendramini is not, by his own admission, a scientist – in fact, his position as an outsider is what has helped him come up with this theory (as a professional engineer in my day job, I can also state that engineers are also not in a position to be such arbiters!).

Despite the mocking of scientists and the scientifically inclined of such things, I am firmly of the view that alien life does exist, and has and is actively interacting with this world. It is possible to conceive that, as we leave this planet we will come across races that are less evolved than we are at that time, and may still be dealing with issues such as their own hyper aggression pasts: what do we do then – fall in a heap?

One response would be to work at having something like an army or military force, with people given (unlike now) a less damaging psychological transition into and more healing psychological transition out of it. Personally, I consider our best response, both individually and as a society/species, to such possible traumas to be to build up our psychic strength [see Note 5], psychological knowledge and spiritual evolution to an extent where we are not naive, and are capable of identifying and dealing with such trauma. (My experience is that we should do this when we are not stressed – it is too late to try to develop such skills when you are under stress.)

I’ll keep thinking on this, just as I will also keep thinking on other aspects of the Neanderthal Predation and TEEM theories, and see how I can integrate that with other knowledge I have come across. I disagree with Vendramini’s use of NP to explain mythology – he is probably correct in some aspects, but in others I consider the witchcraft/Wiccan explanations I have been taught to be more credible. Also, as Vendramini’s TEEMs are “trauma encoded”, I wonder if profound personal change/growth work can change the code? Changing evolution through conscious effort is something I and others have been working on for decades ...

Also, one thing I have wondered about is the number of lifetimes each of us goes through. Allowing for parallels, it is quite a few: perhaps TEEMs means we also can effectively access lifetimes on our genetic history line in each lifetime as well, which opens up almost all of humanity’s experiences to us as we pass through a series of incarnations. Now, that is one thing in terms of the traumas, fears, etc Danny Vendramini theorises about, but “good” things have survival value as well. Matriarchs in a herd of elephants remember and pass on information about threats, but also about useful things like where to find water in droughts; shamanism and other psychically active forms of spirituality (I’m being very “loose” or broad in my definition of “spirituality” there!) allow a way for us to access the knowledge of ancestors: perhaps some of that is genetic, in much the same way that having more primitive bits of biology also allows us to “shamanistically” access early stages of life? Hmmm ... just a thought ...

One thing I won’t resile from: apart from the personal, the responses to this theory I am proposing are social engineering – just as the attitudes that “it didn’t hurt me”, or “X always Y”, and many of the other behaviours Vendramini describes as ways evolution is accomplished are ALSO social engineering (“the playing fields of Eton” are one of the most notorious such examples of - in my opinion - bad social engineering, social engineering that led to the racism, violence and brutality of the British Empire). My proposed social engineering is, in my opinion, essential for the continued survival of our planet and – of less importance – our species, and our continued evolution and development.

As Danny Vendramini says in his book: “There is no them and us. It’s all an illusion. There is only us.”

If you would like to see some alternative views on the extinction of Neanderthals, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neanderthal_interaction_with_Cro-Magnons

* “Joke, Joyce”

Note 1
I am working on a post about the problem of sex negativity in society generally, and the spiritual communities in particular. This theory adds a new dimension to that post.

Note 2
Something I have read of is how the human foetus appears to go through the stages of evolution in the womb. From memory, it is supposed to look like primitive fish, etc before looking like humans. Certainly we still carry primitive bits of biology around with us – such as the more primitive centres of the brain (e.g., the amygdala, which is accessed by shamanic rituals, some of which can take us back to awareness of dinosaur like creatures – we weren’t human at that time, but parts of biologies were still present then). I’ve also come across a view that we tend, after birth, to repeat – in a compressed form – our past history. That has some validity for me, as I can see some of my past life cycles in what I went through as a teenager. Perhaps the change in partner preference also shows up during this process, with an initial preference of some young women for “exciting”, physical partners, which is later supplanted by a “settling down” preference for a more mature, stable, sensitive life partner? ... Just speculatin’ :)

Note 3
One night the son and son-in-law turned against each other, and I had the unenviable job of having to take the son and his girlfriend to hospital. The son was thrashing round and ranting so much in the car that I actually got out of the car initially. Goddess none of that stuff was fun, and it is a miracle I lived through it.

Note 4
I am pleased with one aspect to the current long drought in the state of Victoria, Australia: we no longer water lawns, and hence are far more aware of natural cycles in our world. I also recall the words of a Koori elder at a ceremony after the devastating Black Saturday fires earlier this year about the bush regenerating after fire: that has started to happen in much of the burnt out lands – I saw it just a few days ago, as I saw it here in the Grampians a few years ago. (Mind you, some land around Kilmore is too damaged, and has not regenerated – the fires were worse than usual.)

Note 5
I wish to make it QUITE clear that stronger does NOT mean thicker skinned or tougher, in the BS sense of “get tougher”, “be a man”, and other such rubbish, which simply makes one less sensitive: no, I mean getting stronger in the sense of “feel the fear and do it anyway”.

Note 6
Just because an attempt to address a problem, such as warfare, isn't perfect does not necessarily mean it is bad: it may well be a step along the way. To say that the Geneva Convention and other well meaning attempts at acheiving these aims are useless because it hasn't eliminated warfare is naive - no, it is stupid. Getting rid of warfre is a big issue: it will need lots of steps, of varying impact, before it is finally truly gone. Such attempts can, in my opinion, ONLY be described as bad if they make things worse (the League of Nations may be one such example; I consider the United Nations, although heavily flawed, does actually do quite a bit of good development work [which I get to see and take part in because of my day job] so it isn't an example of a "bad" attempt - and the UN Declaration of Human Rights and other statements/documents/agreements have been useful to me in lobbying I've done).

Note 7
One of the things I consider many people miss is sending healing, guidance and nurturing to those who are helping problem people - i.e., the guides/guardians of people such as the aggressive males I've been writing about, or the local thugs at a pub, or world leaders who are doign great harm. All of them have people in spirit who are trying to help them evolve: how about helping the helpers?

Love, light, hugs and blessings

Gnwmythr

Tags: aggression, courage, evil, forgiveness, evolution, interpersonal interactions, judging others, not letting go, education

First published: Friday 8th January, 2010

Last edited: Friday 8th January, 2010

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Post No. 084 - A dangerous sense of entitlement

I recently came across an article by Sydney based Miranda Devine in The Age (copied from the Sydney Morning Herald) which started from a cyclist who attacked a bus driver and progressed to criticising cyclists more generally for arrogance, violence, taking up too much road space (including criticising whoever came up with the slogan "Roads are to Share", etc.

Now, I happen to disagree with Miranda Devine, but there were some good things, in my opinion, to come out of that article. First, however, my disagreements:
  1. I think the violence, aggression and unreasonable use of road space shown by car drivers towards other road users (whether they are cars, bikes or pedestrians) is far higher, both as an absolute number and a relative fraction of drivers, the number and proportion of cyclists who are (and they do exist!) a problem.
  2. I DO think that roads are for sharing.
I don't extend that leniency to pedestrians: I think the proportion of pedestrians who are aggressive, or stupid, or careless, far exceeds the proportions of problem drivers and cyclists. However, unless they are drunk or under the influence of other mind altering drugs (yes, alcohol is a mind altering drug!), they have a right to be there. We've just grown up in a culture where cars were a status symbol, and some part of too many of us either cringes when a car is around (or a bigger, flasher car than ours), or acts as if one is royalty when in a car.

Having said that, however, the problem of aggressive, irresponsible cyclists does need to be addressed - particularly, in my opinion, the packs who will ride through red lights (one of whom killed an elderly pedestrian a few years ago).

That isn't what I wanted to write about. Still, it's a topic that has clearly generated quite a bit of discussion, going by Miranda Devine's follow up column and a response by a former Road Minister. (The threats and abuse to Miranda Devine don't count as discussion.)

No, what caught my attention was the phrase "sense of entitlement". I think we do have quite a few entitlements - the right to, as another nation's founders put it, life, liberty and freedom; ... the rights expressed in the United Nation's "Universal Declaration of Human Rights" and other UN documents; ... love.

However, there are some things we don't necessarily have a "right" to: a "right" to an easy life without growth; ... a "right" to not be questioned in orders and directions we give to others; ... a "right" to behave with immaturity and not have consequences - whether that immaturity is spiritual, emotional, or other.

It made quite an impression on me, that phrase (incidentally, I thought I had read the phrase as "a dangerous sense of entitlement", or "an unjustified sense of entitlement", but I couldn't find that wording in the quick reread of the original article before I wrote this). I think I will use that phrase to check myself and my attitudes from time to time: it could be quite useful.

Love, light, hugs and blessings

Gnwmythr

Tags: expectations, unreasonableness, immaturity, aggression, violence, society, selfishness, change,

First published: Wednesday 18th November, 2009

Last edited: Wednesday 18th November, 2009